Saturday, April 3, 2010

Subliminal Migraine Dream Reminders

Have you ever had one of those dreams while you slept that really brought out one of your subconscious fears? I had one of those last night.

My Migraine fears are usually around work. This dream had to do with being in a meeting at a client's office. Apparently this was the second time I'd been out there, but I didn't even remember the first visit or the issues they were bringing up during the meeting.

My mind used to be one of my biggest assets. Now, my recall ability can be pretty shoddy. Sometimes I feel like every day is a brand new day without any connection to the previous day especially since I can't remember things that happened fifteen minutes prior let alone the day before. This kind of happened to me last week on a conference call with my boss and it didn't help having an elevated Migraine on this day. We had just conferenced someone new into a call we were having. We had discussed some items before she was brought into the call when my boss asked me to explain to her what we just talked about.

Although I was taking some notes, I could not think of what we just talked about that he wanted me to recap. The whole call we had would not have been recapped, but I didn't know what he wanted me to tell her. It was awful! Someone in my office finally figured it out, prodded me and I was fine, but come on, I should be able to remember this stuff or even be able to get something off of my notes. But there was nothing, nada, zilch coming to me! I know I had a Migraine day and I probably should have gone home, but my mind really should not be that bad.

This is where the dream comes into play too. If I were going on a client visit, I would have been over prepared. First and most importantly, I would know I was out to see this client before. I would have the list of issues we went over from that first visit along with answers to their issues even if they were for someone else to follow up on. I would have researched if they had any new issues going on with them, but none of this makes me feel any more comfortable about the dream I had.

I woke up just as I was contemplating telling my client why I was not on top of my game. Although I will answer any Migraine questions I can that you throw at me, I don't openly advertise my Migraine disease or use them as an excuse even when they are the root of my mind not working properly. Recently at work, someone on my team asked me if I was still getting Migraines. She could not believe the average number of Migraines I still get per month - not that she did not believe me.

Back to the dream. After I woke up from it, I did not know if I should have told my client about why I could not think and was fumbling all over in a very incompetent fashion. I started contemplating with myself what I would have done if this were real and not a dream. In the dream, I was truly embarrassed for how unprepared I appeared, but struggled with giving this real excuse knowing that not many people really understand Migraine disease. I feared this would sound like a feeble attempt to explain why I was so 'unprepared'.

I work for a large corporation that I am not sure would understand Migraines. Although my immediate boss does understand Migraine for the most part, I'm still not sure he knows how disabling mine can be at times even though he has experienced me at different cognitive stages. I think all of this feeds into my fear about using Migraine as an excuse. It's also something I've been working so hard on for so long to try to reduce. Even though I have made progress, I'm not where I want to be yet and this has definitely not been quick enough for me although my current doctor has been good so far.

I don't like excuses or even perceived excuses especially for myself no matter how real they are. Would you tell a client about your Migraines given these circumstances where you were not functioning properly on-site?


WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

I had this happen this winter, not only was I not functioning properly, I had to leave the room every 5 to 15 minutes to vomit, although this wasn't a migraine many symptoms are like a migraine. I finally had to retire to the hotel room in the dark. The clients were more concerned than upset, but my greatest fear is having to show up in their ER (I work with hospitals) while there on business in tears and horrific pain - why? It's just soooo un professional! And I am totally out of control at that state, no one from work has seen me like this, I certainly wouldn't want clients to!

MigrainePuppet said...

I hear exactly what you are saying. No matter how silly it is to our health, we can't get past that 'unprofessional' part.

I don't know what to do when I am out at a client's office as most of their lights are big triggers for me. I can't wear a hat or sunglasses while representing my company. Not only would my company view it as unprofessional, but I definitely do too. I basically plan on getting a Migraine whenever I have a client visit.